Blehck. I have been feebly grappling a painful hangover all morning. I don't think the booze and pills have completely wore off yet... in fact, I am almost positive they haven't wore off yet. My head throbs like an exploding bomb under the deepest depths of the ocean and I've been too nauseas to eat, but not nauseas enough to barf. Two hours working at a small bowl of oatmeal and I've hardly made it through half of the slop. I got stoned hoping I'd work up an appetite, but all it's done now is make me feel absolutely insane.
I was Pee-Wee Herman last night. I did a pretty great job, considering I found the necessary attire and sewed myself a red bow tie all within a few hours time.
The past few days have been slightly more productive than earlier in the week. As mentioned in the last blog, I was descending into a depressive pit, void of any creativity and self-worth. I lost it pretty hard on Friday and broke down to a friend. The venting gave me enough to reflect on, and her dealing with my pathetic bickering was just enough for me to realize I was just over-thinking things far too much, and that I was having too many over-expectations for myself. Which is not always a bad thing, at least not until it gets to the point of despair. I had also recalled a mission statement I wrote back in July for the Manor of Art gallery, which really helped to elucidate my convictions. This was what I wrote, which I feel well-represents much of my political leanings and beliefs.
The betrayal of industry and its products have undeniably brought the detachment of resource, and ultimately the biosphere. Mainstream Western culture has successfully naturalized the urgency of material existence, creating a mirage of idols, heroes, enemies, and miracles. The persistent batter of corporate interest is no longer just through advertising, and has far succeeded the suggestion of over-consumption. It has surmounted a contrived dictation of survival, re-defining standards and methods of living. As natural process becomes more and more hybridized, industry transforms and degrades many of the earth’s landscapes. Technology digs us to the other side of the world, all the while the plight of communal relationships run rampant. The opposite is also true; the machine develops so ubiquitously that the lack of ability to discern between human nature and actual nature becomes more and more frequent. The constant loss of many important traditions that have been learned , evaluated, and re-learned throughout history, are giving way to the instability of deceitful institutions. And with this deception, is a tenuous acculturation that is begging for inevitable disasters.
So, as soon as I brushed those feelings off, I was able to begin the sketches of a few new paintings. I did not start the paintings, but at least I have the ideas down. That's the other thing I need to get better at... quickening my process... I am prone to lallygag frequently. It takes the first half of the night and/or day to bust through the loafing, and then once everyone in the house and the outside world are snoring away, I ceaselessly paint until at least the early hue of the morrow.
I was reading some stupid "14 things an artist should always do" blog online the other day, and though most of it was totally cheesy, I felt the lump of guilt in my guts when I read the "start early and start right away on projects" section. The only time I can achieve that is when I am in a class and I have no choice... well, if I am outside of my bedroom I think I can achieve an early start on painting. My bedroom, to quote Rob Crow, unfortunately bums me out. Maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to get a studio.
On Thursday, the Barn Raising radio collective for the first time met since, I believe, July. This was an idea I had back in the spring, a radical collective, with the goal of making monthly hour-long radio shows, set no further than just simple podcasts. The few of us, including an old teacher/current friend of mine, my brother, Lee, and a fellow student friend of mine, Jennifer, were so close to beginning our first show recording. But then we all became busy with whatever we had going in our lives. On Thursday's meeting, there was maybe 3 times the amount of people who showed up interested than before... people I didn't even remotely know. And it felt awesomely motivating. I hope we continue with this project... I'd love to see us record a show. I think it may actually happen. Oh, and the opening for the Vinyl Killers show was also on Thursday, which I not only missed but also have 2 pieces of work up.
I haven't touched my Spanish homework, not to mention I didn't even go to class on Thursday. I am pretty behind, but I plan on catching up. I think I am losing the motivation with studying the language because I dropped my major in International Development Studies. It is no longer required, so I obviously have become slightly disinterested... which is totally fucked up, because I halfway through the last semester of my 2nd year. Either today or tomorrow I shall devote several hours to nothing but catching up on my Spanish class.
God damn I am fucking brain dead right now. I don't even feel like I have been typing this. Such a daft fog I have to fight through to even write a simple journal entry. Guh...woe is me. Maybe I can take a nap right now and when I awake, get on that early start.