I am going to have to quit smoking cigarettes extremely soon. I've decided that if I haven't by the end of this year, I will have no choice but to face a New Year's resolution of ending my habit. It's not going to be easy either, not just because of the addictive qualities cigarettes have, but because of the damned illnesses I have, Ulcerative Colitis and Crohn's Disease. Cigarettes, for some reason, give momentary relief to the intestinal pains and such. I don't what I am going to do as a substitute... I know for the anxiety and nerves I'll just chew gum or Tea Tree Oil toothpicks. I am hoping that with the end of smoking, comes the beginning of more exercise and healthier habits. I already do some small exercises quite frequently, but nothing that really benefits my entire body, mental health, and stamina. Nothing more than simple push ups and sit ups, or riding my bicycle and/or skateboard. But since I was a kid I have always done those things fairly frequently, so it's really nothing new. Maybe if I am able to implement healthier ethics and routines in my life my guts will feel better and I won't have to rely on filthy cigarettes for fleeting moment of mild relief.

I've been putting 2 paintings off for the past few days. I started the backgrounds but haven't actually begun the meat and potatoes yet. I told myself I'd start at 9. It's now 9:45. I'll start it at 10... ok, good.

I feel like I've been in a weird state lately. I've been pretty fairly productive, at least more productive than usual, yet, I still haven't been as productive as I know I want to be. I have so much free time now since I changed my major and classes... I haven't been working, and I shouldn't be going out because I don't have much money. I have to finish mixing 2 full albums worth of music ASAP, I have tons of acoustic songs I haven't recorded, I haven't picked up my 35mm camera in at least a fucking year, along with plenty of other undone things. I think instead of living in a house with 4 of my best friends, I need to invest in getting my own place. Not like I don't love living with them, it's just that I need my own studio/live space to get this all done. I can easily create the ideal environment for myself... I don't need much, just the freedom to move around and not have to see people at any given moment of the day. Maybe I'd even get better at painting during the hours of sunlight. I think I am going to aspire to getting my own place by the end of this lease, which is July of 2010.

I have 7 minutes until I start my painting. No, 6 now. I don't know what I can rattle off in so few minutes. I've had a lot on my mind lately and I need hours and hours to sift and shed even a decent chunk of it all. If I get my work done tonight and tomorrow, maybe I can allot myself a few hours to get stoned and just write. I wish I could find some generous rich person with a beach house on the Oregon Coast who will let me spend a month or 2 in their house this winter for a small fee or trade. I'd write a book, record an album, and paint awesome series of paintings. I need to hit up craigslist with such an offer... who knows, there are some very extraordinary people in this city.

Halloween'over

Blehck. I have been feebly grappling a painful hangover all morning. I don't think the booze and pills have completely wore off yet... in fact, I am almost positive they haven't wore off yet. My head throbs like an exploding bomb under the deepest depths of the ocean and I've been too nauseas to eat, but not nauseas enough to barf. Two hours working at a small bowl of oatmeal and I've hardly made it through half of the slop. I got stoned hoping I'd work up an appetite, but all it's done now is make me feel absolutely insane.
I was Pee-Wee Herman last night. I did a pretty great job, considering I found the necessary attire and sewed myself a red bow tie all within a few hours time.
The past few days have been slightly more productive than earlier in the week. As mentioned in the last blog, I was descending into a depressive pit, void of any creativity and self-worth. I lost it pretty hard on Friday and broke down to a friend. The venting gave me enough to reflect on, and her dealing with my pathetic bickering was just enough for me to realize I was just over-thinking things far too much, and that I was having too many over-expectations for myself. Which is not always a bad thing, at least not until it gets to the point of despair. I had also recalled a mission statement I wrote back in July for the Manor of Art gallery, which really helped to elucidate my convictions. This was what I wrote, which I feel well-represents much of my political leanings and beliefs.

The betrayal of industry and its products have undeniably brought the detachment of resource, and ultimately the biosphere. Mainstream Western culture has successfully naturalized the urgency of material existence, creating a mirage of idols, heroes, enemies, and miracles. The persistent batter of corporate interest is no longer just through advertising, and has far succeeded the suggestion of over-consumption. It has surmounted a contrived dictation of survival, re-defining standards and methods of living. As natural process becomes more and more hybridized, industry transforms and degrades many of the earth’s landscapes. Technology digs us to the other side of the world, all the while the plight of communal relationships run rampant. The opposite is also true; the machine develops so ubiquitously that the lack of ability to discern between human nature and actual nature becomes more and more frequent. The constant loss of many important traditions that have been learned , evaluated, and re-learned throughout history, are giving way to the instability of deceitful institutions. And with this deception, is a tenuous acculturation that is begging for inevitable disasters.

So, as soon as I brushed those feelings off, I was able to begin the sketches of a few new paintings. I did not start the paintings, but at least I have the ideas down. That's the other thing I need to get better at... quickening my process... I am prone to lallygag frequently. It takes the first half of the night and/or day to bust through the loafing, and then once everyone in the house and the outside world are snoring away, I ceaselessly paint until at least the early hue of the morrow.
I was reading some stupid "14 things an artist should always do" blog online the other day, and though most of it was totally cheesy, I felt the lump of guilt in my guts when I read the "start early and start right away on projects" section. The only time I can achieve that is when I am in a class and I have no choice... well, if I am outside of my bedroom I think I can achieve an early start on painting. My bedroom, to quote Rob Crow, unfortunately bums me out. Maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to get a studio.
On Thursday, the Barn Raising radio collective for the first time met since, I believe, July. This was an idea I had back in the spring, a radical collective, with the goal of making monthly hour-long radio shows, set no further than just simple podcasts. The few of us, including an old teacher/current friend of mine, my brother, Lee, and a fellow student friend of mine, Jennifer, were so close to beginning our first show recording. But then we all became busy with whatever we had going in our lives. On Thursday's meeting, there was maybe 3 times the amount of people who showed up interested than before... people I didn't even remotely know. And it felt awesomely motivating. I hope we continue with this project... I'd love to see us record a show. I think it may actually happen. Oh, and the opening for the Vinyl Killers show was also on Thursday, which I not only missed but also have 2 pieces of work up.
I haven't touched my Spanish homework, not to mention I didn't even go to class on Thursday. I am pretty behind, but I plan on catching up. I think I am losing the motivation with studying the language because I dropped my major in International Development Studies. It is no longer required, so I obviously have become slightly disinterested... which is totally fucked up, because I halfway through the last semester of my 2nd year. Either today or tomorrow I shall devote several hours to nothing but catching up on my Spanish class.
God damn I am fucking brain dead right now. I don't even feel like I have been typing this. Such a daft fog I have to fight through to even write a simple journal entry. Guh...woe is me. Maybe I can take a nap right now and when I awake, get on that early start.